The Jokes on You
by xteamfreewill
Summary: Takes place within 'Arkham City'. Implied Batman/Joker. Innuendos aplenty!
1. Chapter 1

Joker surveyed his surroundings, the latest shit hole that Harley had acquired for them to hide out in. He doesn't like hiding out, hiding implies that he's hiding from someone. Joker is a great many things, but coward was not one of those things. He hated how weak he had become, how he was forced to rely on Harley so much, since the events at that bloody Asylum.

Another fit of coughing took hold of Joker, his slender frame was racked by his treacherous lungs. He could taste the metallic tang of blood on his tongue, he coughed once more, then hacked up the blood laced phlegm, and spat it on the floor. It landed beside Harley's red booted foot. She glanced down at it, and for a second, Joker could have sworn he saw a mixture of disgust and anger take over, her pretty white face. The second passed, and she laughed, then continued doing cartwheels and back flips around the room.

Joker's heartbeat had sped up, at the prospect of Harley turning on him. He despised the pale faced slut. The only time he could truly stand being in her presence was when she was either threatening someone, or killing them. That's when he got to see his masterpiece, his creation at her best...

'Mistah Jaaay! I betcha I know what would cheer ya up!' Harley bellowed, in that vile, childlike voice of hers.

Joker internally shuddered, then muttered 'I bet you don't'.

'What did you say, Mistah Jaaay?' Harley's face actually lit up, as she realised how she had made the sentence rhyme.

Joker did shudder then, 'Nothing, my dear. Do continue.' The nickname she used for him, made him want to cut out her spleen, then feed it to her. Slowly.

'How about I go kill that pesky Bat! And then we can...' Harley paused, then sang at the top of her voice, 'Take a break and play a while, doo da, doo da. Guaranteed I'll make you smile, oh the doo da day!'

Joker tilted his head to the side, not even trying to disguise his hatred for the silly girl before him 'Harley, Harley, Harley...you forget yourself. You're my hench-wench. Less wenching, more henching! Nobody kills the Bat, but me!' he shouted the last part, Batman was Joker's, and Joker's alone. If Joker decided to kill the Bat, then he would kill him. He didn't need his puppet to do that deed.

Harley stopped her frolicking around the room, and her bottom lip began to tremble. Joker groaned inwardly. 'Now, now, my little Harlequin, no need for the water works. The plumbing in this joint is bad enough, without you adding to it!' Harley smiled at his attempt at humour. 'Now, why don't you go maim some of those henchmen? I haven't heard anyone begging for their life, in at least 15 minutes!' Harley squealed in delight, ran to Joker, and tried to kiss him. Joker turned his head, so that Harley only managed to kiss his painted cheek, even that contact was too much for Joker's liking. 'Run along now, Harley. There's a good girl.'

Harley left the room, and Joker was finally able to breathe without wanting to perforate his own eardrums. He pulled the cellular device he had gotten his puppet to acquire for him. He turned the device on, and selected the contacts icon. He had only one contact listed, and that number belonged to 'Bats'. He selected call, and put the phone to his ear...and waited...and waited some more, until the call finally transferred over to voicemail. A strong, masculine voice said, 'If you have this number, then you know who this is.' Joker's mouth turned up, in a predatory smile.

'Ah, Bats...you never were one for long speeches. Always been more of a do-er, haven't you? Speaking of doing, when you're quite finished with your little crime fighting spree, and ruining all my fun - why don't you "come", and put a smile on my face?' he laughed wolfishly, then ended the call.

He slipped the phone back into his pocket, lounged back into the comfort of his blood stained chair, and waited...


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - mentions of torture, not overly graphic, but I'd rather you avoid - than be upset by it. Also, I've purposefully written Harley, as though she has a split personality. I love Harley Quinn, and I kind of like the idea of making her seem like a love sick child, a confused and remorseful woman, along with a psychopath. So yea...it's not great, or even good, but it's here...thanks for your time =)

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><p>Harleen Quinzel often had moments of pure clarity, they seemed further apart now...but she still had them. Every so often, the reality of the things she had done, the things she continued to do, would hit her. It was like a freight train, barrelling straight into her chest. In those moments, Harleen would often long to contact her family, or to repent for all the things she had done...oh God, she'd ripped that poor man's...<p>

And just as quickly, the moments of pure clarity would subside, and Harley was back in control. Harley Quinn wasn't insane. Or at least not the bad kind of insane, you know, the crazed mutterings kind. No, sir-ee! Harley Quinn was insane, but her kind of insane was fun! As Harley thought of her little 'sane episode', as she'd come to refer to them as, she slid the 12" dagger with the pretty red and black handle into the annoying man's stomach. She felt some slight resistance, so pushed harder, then twisted the blade.

The annoying man, Harley did not know his name, made a pathetic, gurgling sound. Harley had thus far, stabbed the annoying man 7 times. Joker had taught her how to stab a man, without killing him straight out. He had taught her how to make the agony last, how to ensure the victim wouldn't bleed out too fast. After-all, where was the fun in that? Harley smiled at the annoying man, she pulled the dagger from his stomach, and brought it up to his face.

'Aw, no no no! This won't do, puddin'! You can't be passing out just yet!' she said to the annoying man, in a sing-song voice. His eyelids kept drooping down, Harley did not like that. She wanted him to see her, to watch her. The best part was finally seeing the light fade in their eyes, and she would not be denied the satisfaction!

'If you're not gonna stay awake, I'm just gonna have to make you, puddin'!' Harley sang, as she sliced away the eyelids of the now very pale annoying man. 'See! ...HAHAHAHAHA! Get it! See! You can't do anything but see now!' Harley bounced around the enclosed space.

The annoying man coughed, and wheezed. Blood trickled from his mouth, down his chin, and mingled with all the other blood on his chest. Harley gave him a dazzling smile, and poked her tongue between her teeth, 'Red, black and blue! The colours that I have given you! You'll be red, black and blue, before this day is through!' Harley sang, as she started to carve a large 'J' into the annoying man's forearm.

Harley huffed, and pouted as the annoying man convulsed, sputtered, then died. His head loled to the side, his ever seeing eyes, reflecting the dim lighting of the room. Harley poked at his left eye, with her dagger. Blood, and a clear liquid that Harley was vaguely sure was vitreous, seeped from the dead eye. Harley smiled, as she slid the dagger back into her belt.

She gave the annoying dead man one final look, as she exited the room. As soon as she stepped through the door, her nostrils were assaulted with the acrid smell of decay. She grimaced for a mere second, then plastered a smile onto her face. 'Mistah Jaaaaay!' she bellowed, 'you're lookin' good, mah puddin'!' Harley lied. He wasn't looking good, he was looking diseased. Part of her was repulsed by this creature before her, the other part wished to climb in his lap, and let him fill her up.

Harley did neither, she merely started doing cartwheels, and back flips around the room. Her latest kill had left her feeling exhilarated, she wanted more. Joker started coughing, for a moment Harley wondered if he'd finally just die...she quickly shook her head of the vile thought. Harley loved her Joker. She does, she swears she does. He continued to cough, his entire body shaking with the effort. He coughed up a mixture of blood, and phlegm. He spat it at her booted leg, she glanced at his face, then down at the offending fluid. For a moment anger bubbled within her, she almost reached for the dagger, at her belt...then her pretty pale face broke into a huge smile.

She continued with her little acrobatic routine, and noticed that her precious Joker looked bored, and perhaps even unhappy. No no no, that would not do! 'Mistah Jaaay! I betcha I know what would cheer ya up!' Harley bellowed, while upside down.

Harley could have sworn he had said something contradictory, 'What did you say, Mistah Jaaay?' Harley laughed at her little rhyme.

'Nothing, my dear. Do continue.' Joker rasped out, waving his left hand at her.

'How about I go kill that pesky Bat! And then we can...' Harley paused, then sang at the top of her voice, 'Take a break and play a while, doo da, doo da. Guaranteed I'll make you smile, oh the doo da day!' she finished her song, by back flipping, and landing in the splits.

She watched, breathing rapidly, as Joker tilted his head to the side, then opened his red stained mouth, 'Harley, Harley, Harley...you forget yourself. You're my hench-wench. Less wenching, more henching! Nobody kills the Bat, but me!' his voice had gotten steadily louder, and more aggressive. In these moments, Harley cowered away, she only wanted to make him happy...I'd make it last, for you. I'd make sure you feel every slice, she thought inwardly. She mentally shook herself. No. She loved her Joker.

Harley stood up, and she let her lower lip tremble, as though about to cry. Joker immediately softened towards her, 'Now, now, my little Harlequin, no need for the water works. The plumbing in this joint is bad enough, without you adding to it!'

Harley immediately smiled at him, she was not thinking of how much she wanted to open him from naval to throat.

.'Now, why don't you go maim some of those henchmen? I haven't heard anyone begging for their life, in at least 15 minutes!' Joker said in a resignedly kind tone. Harley sprang over to his side, and moved in to capture his painted lips, he turned his head at the last moment, and she was left kissing his decaying cheek. She pulled away, and hid the look of disgust.

'Run along now, Harley. There's a good girl.' Joker patted her thigh, Harley shivered at the touch, and longed for more. She did as she was told, as all Harley really wanted was to put a smile on his face...


End file.
